I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
You Might Also Like
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.