Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
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I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”