*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
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If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
im 7 sauces long
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*