Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
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No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Yup
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
No. YOU-buprofen.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.