Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
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A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
getting corrected
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.