I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
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You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020