I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
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“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*