Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
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Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days