Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
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women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
when there are deer in the woods
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!