COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
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You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.