Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
You Might Also Like
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.