Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
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They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
being a writer on Twitter:
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?