it must be school picture day
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Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.