me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
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My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Well. That’s not a good sign.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?