Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
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Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.