[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
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So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.