All excellent questions
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Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.