me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
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When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.