One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
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“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.