Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.