I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
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him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Traveler’s camo
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
shit just got real
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for