TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
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Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.