Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
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I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.