I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
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Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
why am I working on Labor Day
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?