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ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ