*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
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What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
how to have an accident 101