911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
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Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
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I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that