The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
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Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what