She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
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Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.