Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
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When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this