Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
You Might Also Like
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I wanna be friends with this person
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.