little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
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Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Sign at work today
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep