Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
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If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
…u ok Nintendo?
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.