[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
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With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?