Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
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Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
The Friday File.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.