I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
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Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining