i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
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The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I think they could have phrased this better
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Namaste
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.