Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
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Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
is nasa ok
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.