What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
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7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.