Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
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I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
TODAY
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.