There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
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[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
What the hell is going on?