Grow up never but we old may grow we
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Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
At an art museum and I thought this was art
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
These are my emotional support Pringles.
☠️☠️☠️
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Awesome parenting 😂
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Just say no
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me