angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
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[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
all that yoga finally paid off
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Fidel Castro was alive?
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother