If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
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I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.