me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
You Might Also Like
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.