[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
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in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
🤣🤣
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.