If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
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I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.