Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
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At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Introverted vegans go meetless