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Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.