Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
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If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments